Heidi Bilbo, for my baby, Paul Edward Bilbo

As a mother I know the joy of carrying another life in my belly.

Just as he did many times in life, Paul came in in “stealth mode.”
I didn’t even know I was pregnant with Paulie until I was 16 weeks pregnant.
And to make it even better, he came into the world 4 weeks early. Best pregnancy ever!

As a mother I know the amazing experience of giving birth to a baby boy and holding him in my arms.

              Those beautiful blue eyes and blonde hair.

As a mother I know the excitement of first teeth, first steps, first words.

Always trying to keep up with his older brother and sisters, Paul seemed to do things so much faster and took in so much more.

As a mother I know the feeling of taking first day of school pictures and dropping your child off, hoping and praying they would fit in and excel in school.

School shopping was always an adventure. I will always hold dear the year Paul’s school wardrobe inspiration was Mister Rogers. And that was only the beginning of his obsession with fashion. High class was the name of his game – Paul was always the best dressed in attendance.
And when it came to school, Paul loved his teaches most of all. I was often told that he would prefer to stay inside during recess to see what he could do to help them prepare for the rest of the day.

As a mother, I know the sense of pride when the whole crowd cheers for your son at a football game.

My tiny boy saved a game winning touchdown from being scored and saving the win for Stoneham.  I never forget the massive bellow of “BILBO, that was amazing!” from Coach Pignone!
It wasn’t as if playing football was the plan for Paul, but as I was a cheering coach, dragging him along to endless practices, he grew tired of being hugged and kissed by the cheerleaders. One day he stood up and announced he was going to play football.

As a mother I have felt the joy of long belly laughs because of the silly things that come out a child’s mouth.

The endless quotes, and one liners…Son of a peanut, My goat had babies…That was definitely one theme I heard over and again last night from everyone who knew him. Paul was the king of the one-liner.

As a mother, I was inspired when my child chose to run for and was elected Stoneham High School Freshman Class president.

As class president Paul had to represent the class during Stoneham’s Carnival Ball celebration. He told me I was forbidden from attending because I would make him nervous. I put the call out on Facebook asking if I would be a crazy Mom if I went anyway. Knowing nothing would stop me, I dropped my baby off, drove around the school two times, then headed into the auditorium. Within minutes of entering, Paul and I made eye contact. He came up and hugged me and said, “I’m glad you made it.”

As a mother I know the happiness of watching your child cross the stage and receive their diploma.  The end of era, and the world now open for their bright future.

As a mother I am grateful for the loyal relationships and friendships built between my child and his soul mates.

I could never list them all, but I want to call out a few in particular.
Peter and Caleb, you were and will continue to be Paul’s rocks. Never missing a phone call or a laugh, you are the friends every parent dreams of for their child. I know you will keep Paul’s spirit alive.
Grainne, you were a huge part of Paul’s life and God send at the just the right time. You helped Paul see a positive path forward.

As a mother I was envious of the many gifts and talents my child brought to the world.

Sketching/art – It started with his love for Ms. O’Brien. Drawings of Mickey Mouse were everywhere!
Music – drums, guitar, every genre music from Frank Sinatra to the Foo Fighters, to his Sunday School God music CDs
Giving back – He would come along whenever I asked; town clean ups, holding signs at my standups, helping with Sunday School, teaching science for a week at Vacation Bible Blast.

As a mother I watched my baby bloom into the young man and was grateful for the strong family bonds across the generations of our huge family.

Paul was never too big or busy to find time to hang out the youngest family members. He loved hanging with Tyler and Brayden, fishing up at camp, playing games and helping them to master their skateboarding skills.
Spending time with his Nana was always a priority for Paul. Whether it was backing her car out of the driveway, carrying in groceries, being her personal Geek Squad for any computer/printer/any electronic issue or just spending quality time together for days on end up at camp, Paul was always first to jump when it came Nana.

As mother I felt honored when my child decided to follow in his grandfather’s footsteps and pursue becoming an electrician.

Paul was determined to get into the Boston Electrician’s Union and had been working hard to see this goal to fruition. He had jumped all the hurdles and was in the final stretch.

As a mother I learned what it means to have unconditional love.

As a mother I’ve also experienced the heartbreak that seldom gets talked about.

As a mother I’ve more than once received the phone call from my son saying he made a mistake he immediately regretted, and I needed to call 911 to get him help.

As a mother I’ve cried while my baby’s stomach was pumped and waved goodbye to a piece of my heart as he was closed up in secure facilities.

As a mother I’ve spent late nights trying to convince my child of how worthy he is in this world.

As a mother I worried when each my kids would be too long or too late, but the sense of despair would be unbearable for Paul in particular.

As a mother, I tried to maneuver our way through the many corners of the mental health domain – finding the right doctor, the perfect dosage of medication, making appointments that would fit between our busy schedules.

As a mother I fought with teachers and principals to get the accommodations my child needed. And taken tours of alternative facilities, assessing every aspect of programs, and crossing our fingers that we chose the right one.

As a mother I became the master of being in “panic mode” only to flip the switch and “appear normal without a care” in a meeting or event.

As a mother I was ready and willing to do this for the rest of my life.

As a mother I got that final desperate phone call from my son telling me he loved me.

As a mother, I felt the moment my baby left this world down to the core of my being.

As a mother I will always wonder what else I could have done.

As a mother I will continue to hear and learn the countless ways Paul touched people’s lives and souls, but they never mentioned it in the moment.

Last night was overwhelming amazing, and themes of Paul’s legacy came through loud and clear: He was an old, kind soul, he wanted to make everyone else smile, he was the king of the one liner.

As a mother I will not hide the struggles that my son tried to deal with head on, and more often than not, he did it successfully. It is just so hard to expect perfection in this imperfect world.

As a mother I will now keep him in our hearts through my fight for better support for children and young adults in crisis.

As a mother, I will ensure Paul’s life is remembered and his death was not in vain.