4 Months
4 months…it’s been 4 months…4 months since Paulie left us.
4 months since I got the last phone call from my baby. 4 months since I last heard the words, “I love you” come from his mouth. 4 months of missing his smile, longing to hear his laugh, and craving his hugs. 4 months of grief, anger, and desperation.
Some days I can’t make sense of any of it. I just keep asking the same questions over and over and never find an answer. Why? What could we have done differently? What if this and what if that? The “what ifs” can be so overwhelming. But I tell myself this is normal, and I need to feel the pain and sadness to learn to continue living. But it’s defeating when you are constantly rerunning the same scenario over and over and not able to change the outcome. It’s time to figure out how to move on from the “What ifs.” I’m just not sure how to do it.
The “Mom guilt” is unbearable. As a mother, we often feel judged based on how successful our children become. We are the ones responsible for ensuring they grow up into independent, productive adults. The sense of failure I feel is overwhelming on too many days. I know we did everything we could for Paul. I know he would agree with that. But you can’t help but feel like you, as a mother, did something wrong. I should have stayed home from work that day. I should have called earlier. Like the “what ifs”, the ”should haves” can bring me to my knees. Again, I am told and read repeatedly, that this is expected as a survivor of suicide, but it doesn’t really make it easier to manage. My hope is that I will slowly close this chapter as well.
On the positive side, it’s also 4 months of hope, resolve, and determination. Hope that Paulie is pain-free and watching over us. Resolve that we can’t get him back, but we can work to ensure that all he was will continue to shine into the future. The determination that no other family should ever feel this pain. The genesis of Pebbles of Strength drives us forward, thankfully stronger than the will to just give up.
Over the last 4 months, we have distributed over 1200 Talk About It pins and handed out over 1000 Talk About It cards. We have shared the message that there is always someone to talk to and no one should struggle alone. We have heard over and over again how our message has been heeded and people have used the resources we shared. I’ve even called 988 when I needed someone to talk to. We will not stop until every person who needs support knows where to reach out to for help.
And we have other big plans in the works. In honor of World Suicide Prevention Day, we will be hosting an event on September 10th, on the Stoneham Town Common. We will honor those we’ve lost and those that continue to struggle and share practical ways each of us can combat the increasing rate of suicide. It will be a family-friendly event, and everyone is invited to come and learn.
And I never expected renting a billboard to be on my bucket list of things to accomplish, but now it is! We are working with like-minded organizations to go big and promote September as Suicide Prevention Month with positive messages and hope for those who struggle. Keep your eyes open as you drive down the highway near Montvale Ave!
The fall also appears to be the time of the year for walking. We are hoping to participate in as many walkathons as we can to raise funds for further work on suicide prevention. If you are inclined to take part, please check out the Upcoming Events on our website to learn more.
Anyway, thanks for taking the time to check in with us. It’s difficult to put some of this into words, but now that it is down on paper to be shared, I feel a sense of relief. Just one more example of why talking about it really does make a difference. We will continue to feel all the feelings and deal with all the heartache. And we will come out on the other side with the undying love we’ve always had and greater strength than we ever imagined.
You are loved and worthy beyond measure, my friends. I am here if you ever need someone to talk to or a shoulder to cry on. Or a battle-scarred warrior to back you up. <3
Peace and Love,
Heidi
#talkaboutit
